Praise
The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
Thank you so much for your help with my personal statement. I was really pleased with the result and your prompt re o e. I am very ha y with your service and will recommend your service to my friends. I also plan on using your service again in the future with more medical school e ays.
Unedited Version:
Dr. XXX . . . For the past seven years of my life, my decision to become a doctor has been a devoted one. From the first day that I entered Mrs. Vande urg's tenth grade Anatomy and Physiology cla , my career ambitio were narrowed to one as I completely committed myself to becoming a physician. During that semester of cla I poured through every page of my textbook, fascinated and challenged by all that I learned. Night after night I stayed up memorizing the names of bones and muscles, systems and proce es in early preparation for my career in medicine. Hungry for more information about the medical profe ion, I began reading literally doze of books and journal articles written about the lives of physicia and the medical fields in which they served. As I finished High School and entered college, and now Graduate School, every cla that I have taken, every decision I have made has been centered around one goal; to become a physician whole-heartedly committed to improving the physical and emotional lives of his patients.
Although my initial desires to become a physician arked from my amazement and fascination with science and the human body, my commitment to become a family physician stems from my family background and my overwhelming desire to help others. Growing up in a family with eight brothers and sisters, it seemed that someone always needed help either physically or emotionally. As a "big" brother to so many, I have been taught that helping others in need is more than a decisio it is a moral re o ibility. This reality has led me to serve in many roles throughout my life; from Senior cla president and a member of student council, to a continued dedication to volunteering in the community and at local ho itals throughout my life. Each week, de ite my rigorous schedule of Graduate school, I have been able to help others by volunteering to cook and teach cla es at the Wood County Center for Aging. The smiles from those I help and the wisdom that I gain, talking over lunch or playing pool with men from the Center continue to make the time continually reinforce my commitment to invest in the lives of others.
One of the first questio that I ask when I want to find out what motivates someone is whether they think primarily with their "heart" or with their "mind." In a single question, I can discover whether a person is pulled by his emotio or whether they're lives are structured by cognitive decisio . Although, my life has been structured by calculated decision making, my overwhelming desire to di lay empathy and compa ion for those around me defines who I am. I believe that in order to be a "complete" physician, one must be strongly motivated by both his mind and his heart. To me, the definition of a truly succe ful doctor is measured by his ability to meet both the physical and emotional needs of his patients. I know this to be true because although devoted life-long study and calculated decision making are what ultimately may save a patient’s life, it is focused attention and sincere compa ion that can continue to make that patients life worth living.
Today, I continue in my unwavering journey toward becoming a physician by attending Graduate School at XXX University.
Here at Graduate School, I am more fascinated and determined than ever by the challenging cla es I am taking, the cutting edge research I am participating in, and the rewarding teaching experience I am gaining. I believe that through the experiences I have gained above and beyond my undergraduate degree, I am more prepared than ever to meet the rigorous challenges of Medical School. In the year that I have attended Graduate school evidence of my complete devotion to my goal is evident in everything that I have done. The A in every cla I have taken, the research I contributed to, currently in the proce of publication with the Journal of Endocrinology, and the highest po ible rating as a Biology lab teacher are all evidence of my steadfast resolution to become a physician. What is more, I believe that the laboratory techniques and analytical skills required by my research in hyperte ion, as well as the public eaking skills I have acquired through teaching will ultimately make me into a more rounded physician.
In the words of Washington Irving, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than u ucce ful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes."
In a world driven by fierce economic and social competition, u elfish devotion and genuine compa ion are becoming a rarity; I believe that the experiences of my life have taught me these character traits. With a firm commitment to the lives of others, my unwavering desire in life is to use my experiences and talents as a physician, that I might help bring physical and emotional healing to those in need.
"I will prepare, and some day my chance will come. " - Lincoln
Critique
Hi XXX,
Your e ay is quite solid to begin with, and it has a lot of strengths.
First and foremost, you clearly indicate your burning desire to become a physician, something that medical schools do value. You lay out your case for admi ion in a straightforward ma er, and give some examples to back up your statements. You should be proud of your progre thus far.
There was some work to be done, however. Some of your sentences included fragments of other sentences, and a few were run-o these were re-worked to provide a better sentence flow. Your isolated elling and punctuation errors were also corrected. On the larger scale, we focused your e ay in two ways: by cutting some u ece ary or redundant sentences, and by adopting a clearer overall structure. As written, your e ay included sentences that didn't add much power to your e ay, and were very general or vague in meaning. For example, we cut the sentence, "I believe that in order to be a 'complete' physician, one must be strongly motivated by both his mind and his heart." This sentiment is echoed more clearly in the rest of the work, and your references to the mind and the heart are better expre ed when you discu "the physical and emotional needs of the patient." The structure we created goes roughly like this: introduction discu ing the genesis of your career ambitio , discu ion of the emotional requirements of medicine, discu ion of the intellectual i ues involved, and a conclusion citing your dedication to medicine and to the study required of students in medical school.
We also ecifically edited your language to better prepare the e ay to be read by a committee on admi io . In some areas, your wording seemed "overheated." For example, you twice used the phrase, "overwhelming desire." Although you clearly want to impre the committee with your desire to study medicine, you run the risk of "overwhelming" them in the proce . When you write, "As I finished High School and entered college, and now Graduate School, every decision I have made has been centered around one goal…" the e ay ru the risk of coming on too strong. Your goal should be to present yourself as a serious and committed a licant, while avoiding a "rabid" tone.
The edited e ay reads quite well, but there is still something mi ing - you. The e ay is called the AMCAS Personal Statement for a reason: it's time to get personal. Schools will read this e ay to get an idea of who you are, not what you have done. Your accomplishments are enumerated elsewhere in the AMCAS a lication. You ought to include more stories, more ecifics about who you are, and about the people and events that have made you the person you feel you have become. For example, details about how you ecifically helped your siblings would be great, as would a story about an elderly person whose life you improved.
A final note - your primary goal in filling out your a licatio should be to get an interview, not to convince an admi io committee that you're worthy of admi ion. You want to make them want to get to know you better, and to want to meet you in person. Keep this point in mind as you continue in the a lication proce .
Edited E ay:
From the first day that I entered Mrs. Vande urg's tenth grade Anatomy and Physiology cla , I knew exactly which career I was destined for - the practice of medicine. During the first semester of cla , I pored over every page of my textbook; I was fascinated and challenged by the structures and systems we di ected and discu ed in cla . Night after night, I stayed up memorizing the names of bones and muscles, systems and proce e I had an i atiable desire for knowledge. Eager to learn more about the medical profe ion, I read doze of books and journal articles about the lives of physicia and the medical fields in which they serve. What I read convinced me that I am well suited to a career in medicine.
My unique family background first launched me toward a career in the service of others. Growing up in a family with eight brothers and sisters, it seemed that someone always needed my help, either physically or emotionally. As a big brother to so many siblings, I learned that helping others in need is more than simply a career choice - I feel that it is my moral re o ibility. Because I am able to help, I feel called to a ist those in need. This has led me to serve my fellow students and citize in many ways: as senior cla president and a member of our student council, and as a volunteer in the community and at local ho itals. Each week, de ite my rigorous schedule of coursework and research, I have been able to help others by volunteering to cook and teach cla es at the Wood County Center for Aging. The smiles from those I help and the wisdom that I gain from talking over lunch or playing pool with men from the Center reinforces my commitment to invest my time and energy in the lives of others.
I believe that a doctor's succe is best measured by his ability to meet both the emotional and physical needs of his patients. Although compa ion is a valued character trait, a doctor must commit himself fully to the pursuit of knowledge in order to provide the highest level of patient care. I have taken the physician's academic re o ibilities quite seriously, and I have pursued a rigorous and challenging course of study.
Currently, I am attending graduate school at XXX University. My academic record at XXX clearly indicates my ability to excel at the study of graduate-level science. I have received a grade of A in every cla I've taken, and I have contributed significantly to research on hyperte ion, work that will soon be published in the Journal of Endocrinology. In addition, as a Biology lab teacher, my students have awarded me the highest rating given to i tructors. I believe that through the teaching and learning experiences I have gained studying for my graduate degree, I am more prepared than ever to meet the rigorous academic challenges of medical school.
In the end, though, I believe that it will be my persistence and personal drive to study medicine that will a ure me succe in its practice. In the words of Washington Irving, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than u ucce ful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes." I intend to a ly my determination to becoming a great physician, that I might help bring physical and emotional healing to those in need.
相关文章
(编辑：chole)
